Enterprise

Compared to Martha | Off the Record – Chico Enterprise-Record

I’ve been in some not-so-nice neighborhoods in my life, but the one I’m in now is probably the worst neighborhood I’ve ever lived in. Yeah, adulthood. It’s hard.

It tests my patience almost every day, and I fail the test – almost every day. I figured when I was on the planet for over six decades, having lived over four of those decades in this particular neighborhood, I would have it now. That I would have it “together”. That, at the very least, I would get things done pretty well. And for about a minute, I thought I did and then…

There’s only one person in the world that makes me feel inadequate, one person in the world that I love to hate and that’s Mr. Diddy herself, also known as Lady Martha Macaroni, and it’s Martha Stewart. She writes, cooks, bakes, preserves, decorates, crafts, gardens, entertains and has a net worth of millions.

I, too, write, cook, cook, preserve, decorate, craft, garden and entertain, but my net worth is around “one dollar three eighty”.

So, like I said, I thought I had lived this whole life as an adult until I got an email with the subject line, “8 things Martha does every day before 10 a.m.”.

I should never have opened it. I should have just deleted it. But have I? Nooooo. I had this uncontrollable urge to see how I compared to the Mavin of domestic perfection, so I clicked on the open email and here’s what I learned.

Martha gets up every morning at “4:30 or 5:00 a.m.,” turns on her iPad, and checks her blog. So she gets up every morning before her cocks and gets to work? Show off. Me? I get up every morning, well after the roosters, and stagger to my computer, turn it on and check anyone’s blog but his own.

Then I read, she checks her email and reads The New York Times online because she needs to “stay in the know”. Ha! I check my email and read this newspaper as well as selections from The New York Times, The Washington Post, CNN, The Associated Press, USA Today, Politico, and the occasional Hollywood Reporter. So put that in your binge pipe and smoke it Mrs. Stewart.

The third thing she says she does is make her bed. The third thing I do is not make my bed. I’m making a cup of tea.

The fourth thing she does is “let the dogs out, open the cat flap, and check out the birds.” I don’t have any birds, but if I waited to let the dogs out and open the door for the cats after checking my emails and reading the news, the fourth thing I would do would be to clean up after the dogs and cats. I guess on top of everything else, she’s a pet whisperer. Either that or his pets have stronger bladders than mine.

The fifth thing old Martha does is get her clothes ready for the day because, she says, “you never know where the day will take you.” If I’m lucky or have a Zoom meeting, the fifth thing I do is get dressed. If I’m unlucky or don’t have a video meeting, getting dressed could easily be the 12th or 20th thing to do. Obviously, I’m a slacker. And as for “you never know where the day might take you” that’s true in my world too, only I’m 99.9% sure that Martha’s day doesn’t take her to the garden to return the compost, or to the shed to repel cobwebs or the local hardware store to get a new toilet float.

At 6:30 a.m. she’s at the gym (with a personal trainer, I’m sure) working out and doing yoga. At 6:30 am, I also train. I do the first of my “get ups” for the day. I get up and get out of bed, which is followed later by getting up from the toilet and even later getting up from my desk chair. No need for a personal trainer.

After working out, she takes a shower, gets in the car and “eats something healthy like fruit or yogurt”. Why, when she has a kitchen and dining room that would be the envy of most, she chooses to eat in her car is beyond me, but she does. At some point, I, too, take a break from my “lifts” to wash my face and brush my teeth. The shower must wait before going to bed. And breakfast usually doesn’t happen until noon unless my husband is making turkey bacon, in which case he’ll throw me a few slices on a plate.

The eighth thing listed in the “8 Things Martha Does Every Day Before 10 a.m.” was titled “Inspiration” and read: “Wish you had more time in the morning? We know what you’re thinking. It’s easy to do all that when you’re Martha. Well, it can be relatively easy for you too.

I thought it was “cheating”. It was neither something she did nor a source of inspiration. Heck, that wasn’t even a useful clue. It was just sham, reading more like “look at everything I do! Wouldn’t you like to be as productive as I am?” And, “don’t you feel deficient now?”

Yeah, Martha, I might feel a little inadequate, but I’ve never spent time in lockdown, had to wear a hideous orange jumpsuit, or had to create a lime cake recipe. chocolate truffle nail polish. So at least I have that going for me as I work my way into my little corner of adulthood.